Parents vs. coaches
April 16, 2008 @ 2:21 p.m. by Joannaby joanna
There aren’t many compliments in this journalism business, although there’s probably more in sports simply because parents like to see stories on their children. But really the only time you hear from readers is if you have done something wrong.
Sometimes I’ll talk to coaches about the latest complaint I hear, yet I always preface it by saying that I know they get it about a 1,000 times worse than I do. Very few compliments, way too many complaints. It’s then that I remind myself that my life isn’t all that bad.
I wonder sometimes if coaches can do anything right. Here they are giving way too much of their time for pennies on the dollar, driving kids to and from events or back home because their parents can’t do it. I’ve seen coaches making sure a kid has something to eat, driving across town to help a kid get to an appointment. Do they get thanks? Sometimes.
More often, they just hear complaints.
I know, parents love their kids, they want to see them succeed, they want them to feel good about themselves. But why berate the coach over such trivial things? What makes a parent feel that it’s OK to ream a coach over playing time? If not ream, is it still OK to even question it?
Too often parents are out there trying to protect their offspring — great, in a dangerous situation — but unless your child is in danger, is being abused, back off. Let them succeed, let them fail. That’s life. Why is it necessary to be vile to a coach or pull your kid out and move because you’re worried about playing time?
Yes, as I’ve mentioned, there are issues where abuse is occurring. That’s sad. It should stop. Parents should get involved.
But playing time isn’t a huge issue. I know I keep focusing on this, but I’m blown away by how many times coaches tell me they’re hearing complaints about this. I hear that it’s political at a certain school. And it makes me laugh. I know so many coaches, and I have not met one yet — especially in football and basketball — who’s burning desire is to lose. Seriously, coaches play the best kids, unless they break the rules. I think the only time where subjectivity comes into play is when coaches are looking at who to keep as the No. 12 player in basketball, for example. Maybe there’s a kid who works hard, has a great attitude and then there’s a kid who’s doing crappy in school and will be an eligibility issue or he’s just a little you know what. Who do they keep? The good kid, of course.
Parents need to back off, they do. Let your kids fight their battles, let them prove themselves on the field, let them figure out how to handle a difficult situation with a coach — it will help them later in life. Be there for guidance, be there for support, be there to encourage. Sadly, it’s at all levels. I have a 5-year-old playing soccer and there’s a father who is pressuring his kid to play and this kid does not want to be out there. The father is so hard on this kid. 5 years old! It sickens me. It really does.
Hey, I’ve been in a tough spot. As a senior in high school I was told by my volleyball coach that she was going to have a youth movement; she had too many seniors. She said I’d made the team, but I would never play, except maybe to serve. I found that unacceptable, I met with my parents, told them how I felt and then I told her. Should I have quit? Probably not. Of course she wanted to win and sure enough, she went with her seniors as the year went on. I probably would have played. But you know what? My parents stayed out of it. I handled it. I respect them to this day for that.
I do know exactly what kind of parent I’ll be, though. I have no intention of being like the vast majority that I see — screaming at the coach, yelling at their kid to get his head out of his behind, talking bad about their kids’ teammates, questioning every move the coach makes. I won’t be silent — Lord knows I love to talk during my son’s games already, telling him to hustle and telling him good job and way to go team. But I don’t criticize. Leave that to the coach.
I’m off my high horse, now. Your thoughts?
April 16th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Great subject!
I don’t know how the coaches put up with it, they work long hours for not the highest pay, and then they have to put up with parents. Thank goodness they love what they do! I do see the political game going on, but more so on parents side. They volunteer for everything and run at the chance to speak with the coaches when they see them, I guess they think that will help their kids out, who knows maybe it does. I am a firm believer that the kid needs to succeed on his/her own, if the parents get involved all the time then one day their kids won’t know how to handle life when mommy and daddy arent’ around.
The coaches are human so politics may come in to play sometimes, maybe a upper classman gets to play just becasue he’s older, but not necessarily better. What does that say to the kid that is working their tail off and it’s not making a difference? I guess it teaches them life is never fair and it never will be but it is no reason to stop trying your best.
I think the kids should always try to handle a problem first, if the outcome is not understood, then sure, I think the parents have the right to find out the details from the coach so they can help their kid resolve the problem—-not help the coach reslove the problem.
Communication and respect are key!
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April 16th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I agree — terrific topic. The good coaches get far too little credit for the job they do. Too many parents are reliving their own athletic experiences (either actual or perhaps much grander in retrospect) through their kids. They need to encourage and support the kids, but back way off on the criticism and second-guessing of both the kids and the coaches. It’s no wonder that you see young people with no respect for authority, when their parents have not taught them that through their own words and conduct.
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April 17th, 2008 at 10:29 am
I use to coach myself and now have kids in school and I never thought I would ever approach a coach or a teacher for that matter. But after this year when the coach directly told me they were playing the “political game” and was afraid to make the upperclassman (who haven’t graced the gym doors since before their freshman year) upset I didn’t know what to do. I did tell the coach since they knew I had coached that I never played the political game, I just put the five best players out there and that was just how it was. About making the upperclassman mad I said do what is right and fair and don’t worry about making them mad if they can’t handle it then they shouldn’t be part of the team. My child had already approached the coach about the broken rules the upperclassman were getting by with and their disrespect for the team and other players. The coach never actually did anything about it. The last straw for us was when two seniors announced to the team that if they didn’t start the next game they were going to quit (my first comment to that was good riddens) the coach’s reaction was guess what, they started the next game.
Everybody talks about the coaches who put the extra time and do all this for there players and I know there are plenty out there that do and I commend them for their efforts and time they put in without so ever much a thank you. I wish we had a coach like that. But there are coaches like ours that besides what I have suggested above have never made an effort to watch their players in the off season never try to give individual help and when 5:30 or 6:00 roles around they are out the door. They make a bunch of promises that are always broken and nothing is ever followed through.
We went into talk to the coach and the coach never did enforce their rules and has pretty much lost most of the respect from the underclassmen and obvously never had any respect from the upperclassmen. We decided to give the coach one more chance (I still don’t know why) to do their job right so I guess we’ll see happens next year.
Just remember all you coaches the kids look up to you and you have a job to do. You know the pay isn’t good so your main goal should be to do the best job you can, do what is right, follow your rules, set good examples, and put the kids first, reward the kids for their efforts, don’t reward kids for seniority (only if it is deserved), and like the person said above communication and respect are very important too.
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April 18th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Who do they keep? The good kid, of course.
Ha ha. I about fell outta my chair on that one.
You’re way off base. They keep the one they want to. Don’t tell me you’ve never noticed how the city league changes after the semester. Maybe I never realized how many “hard working kids with a good attitude” were only eligible for half the season.
If playing time isn’t a “huge issue,” with you, why was it the reason you quit?
Who is left to play the game when the “good kid” quits?
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April 18th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Joanna,
It is a great subject. However, I’m not necessarily feeling sorry for coaches. I wanna touch on “all coaches want to win”comment …..maybe so, but some don’t know HOW to win. Don’t you think at some time in their coaching career they may have to answer to their win/loss record? They might have to explain why they have gone 2-25? You can not assume most coaches know what it takes to elicit success from their teams? What if they have no leadership skills or can’t motivate an “ant to a picnic”? What if they don’t have passion for the sport they coach? What if their goals and the players goals don’t match? I think coaches have more problems with parents MORE THAN EVER BEFORE because Parents are smarter, more educated…..more involved with their kids, attend more of their children’s events more than ever and finally shell out a lot of money for their children to even play sports.(My generation of parents never said anything to the coaches because they attended only some of the games, paid relatively nothing for me to play and generally just didn’t make sports a year-round commitment for the family) The support these coaches get nowadays hits the parents pocketbooks BIG TIME. Do you know how much it costs for a team to play MAYB year round or to play for a team in the West Urban league? Not to mention the gas it takes for the parents to drive their child/children to these events year round just so it can improve their child’s chances of being a better player? SO as in business when it starts to affect the “return on your dollar”….it will motivate some to become “uncorked” about how the system works when it comes to sports and your child. I would say it would do us all a little bit of good to live in each other’s shoes….but that includes the coach living in our shoes. The Parents.
[REPORT A VIOLATION]
April 18th, 2008 at 9:58 am
It is a great subject. However, I’m not necessarily feeling sorry for coaches. I wanna touch on “all coaches want to win”comment …..maybe so, but some don’t know HOW to win. Don’t you think at some time in their coaching career they may have to answer to their win/loss record? They might have to explain why they have gone 2-25? You can not assume most coaches know what it takes to elicit success from their teams? What if they have no leadership skills or can’t motivate an “ant to a picnic”? What if they don’t have passion for the sport they coach? What if their goals and the players goals don’t match? I think coaches have more problems with parents MORE THAN EVER BEFORE because Parents are smarter, more educated…..more involved with their kids more than ever, they also attend more of their children’s events and shell out a lot of money for their children to even play sports.(My generation of parents never said anything to the coaches because they attended only some of the games, paid relatively nothing for me to play and generally just didn’t make sports a year-round commitment for the family) The support these coaches get nowadays hits the parents pocketbooks BIG TIME. Do you know how much it costs for a team to play MAYB year round or to play for a team in the West Urban league? Not to mention the gas it takes for the parents to drive their child/children to these events year round in an attempt to improve their child’s chances of being a better player? SO as in business… when it starts to affect the parents “return on their dollar”….it will motivate some to become “uncorked” about how the system works when it comes to sports and their child. I would say it would do us all a little bit of good to live in each other’s shoes….but that includes the COACH living in our shoes. The Parents.
[REPORT A VIOLATION]